Valentine’s day with a 2 year old

Valentine’s day used to be a day of indulgence for Chen and myself. That usually means fine dining and movie. Without anyone that can babysit for us at the moment, I wasn’t expecting this day to be any different from any other days.

When I got home from uni, I saw some cut roses from our garden nicely arranged in a glass vase on the kitchen bench above the sink. They look and smell beautiful. They are the sweetest smelling roses I’ve ever had. Sure, they didn’t cost hundreds of dollars, but it took Chen a lot of time and effort in pruning and watering to keep these plants happy. Not to mention the mortgage he has to pay for the land on which these plants grow. The night before valentine’s day, I baked Chen’s favourite food–a cheesecake, which I made from my favourite recipe. Its a berry and vanilla layered cheesecake with an oreo base. I don’t particularly enjoy the cake myself, the happiness it created was priceless, simply because Chen loves it so much and he only gets it twice a year –his birthday and valentine’s day.

That night when I put Joshua to sleep, instead of his usual boisterous self, he was quiet and tender. As I hugged him on the sofa in his room in the dark, he gently kissed my arms, neck, cheeks, chin, mouth, nose; pressed his face against mine…….and finally whispered,”goodnight mummy”. This is one of those rare moments when one feels that all the pain and hard work in childbirth and parenting is worth its while.

As I reflected on the day, I just felt…complete. There was no Tiffany, long stemmed roses, or fancy dinner. But I was comfortable in my own home, loved by my husband and my little boy. In a strange way, this is far more satisfying than all the other typical valentine’s routine we had in previous years.

The Lord will provide

My last contract with Adelaide University was coming to an end. I thought I’ll write a random email to Deakins University at Warrnambool to see if they have anything now, or later. To my surprise, the director of the program replied fairly quickly and wanted to meet.

I dressed up and put some make-up on, first time in a long while, and drove to Deakins. I was quite nervous, and undecided on what I can offer in terms of work hours. I got there early so I decided to check out the library. A magazine on early childhood development caught my eye. I took it and read. It was about the importance of the first three years. How apt, considering that I am on the crossroads of deciding whether I should send Joshua off to childcare for at least one day a week so that I don’t sound ridiculous to my future employer. Maybe God is telling me something here.

Time was up and I went into the office and found myself in the presence of this huge, imposing man with an Irish (?) accent. He was very nice, but also quite intimidating, as all directors are. After a brief exchange of pleasantries, he cut straight to the chase. “What do you plan to do with Joshua?”. I drew a deep breath and tried to look confident when I said, “I am thinking of working from home mostly, and at times my husband can take flexi-time to cover for me”. He nodded. He then went on to tell me about his team’s project etc. Before we left, he told me to think about how much time I am willing to commit and write him a work plan.

More anxiety. I now have to put on paper how much time I am willing to put in and how I plan to work off those times. I prayed about it and decided to hold my stance. I proposed that I can do 10-12 hours a day per week, from home, and how I can fulfill the project timeline in this manner. I sent off the ‘work-plan’ and didn’t know what to expect from there on. Shortly after, I received an encouraging email thanking me for my enthusiasm, and that they would like to offer me a position. I would have been elated with the offer of a casual position, but instead they offered me a Post-Doctoral Fellowship. I know of people going through a lot of trouble and competition to land a position like that. I wouldn’t have dream in a thousand years that this would be handed to me on a silver platter like this given my life situation now. When I received the contract on paper few weeks later, I realised that I have been granted even more grace than I deserve, when I saw that they have started me on the highest salary scale of my category (being a freshie, I would expect the lower number on the range). What a lesson on trusting in the Lord!

Reflections on the Amish views on life

I am reading a book titled ‘Amish grace’. It is about the forgiveness of the Amish community towards a tragedy in which a number of young Amish girls were killed by a gunmen. This is the first time I knew about the Amish faith, beliefs and lifestyle.

As a community, they refuse to have telephones in the house because it interferes with their family life. They also refuse to be photographed as it encourages narcissistic interest or tends to ‘self-worship’. They wear plain clothes, work on the fields, and takes their Christian faith very seriously. They shun everything that draws attention to themselves as individuals, and live submissively to ‘the will of God’. The book was centered around Amish’s view on forgiveness. So far (I’m half way through the book), it seems like good old fashioned Christian forgiveness stated in Matthew 5, but they actually practice it. They literally forgive their enemies or persecutor, when while they are still being persecuted. I think having a close-knit community helps a lot in overcoming bitterness and pain and in extending forgiveness in such a radical way. Maybe that is why God set up churches. Unfortunately churches nowadays is more a venue for weekend mornings instead of a 24/7 community.

In many ways, our close friends in Hamilton church are a bit like the Amish people. They like to live off the land as much as possible by having large veggie gardens and lots of fruit trees, wear plain clothes, shun material luxuries, and lives a certain distance away from the town to avoid the influence of ‘city’. They are vegans, and they dont eat chocolate or anything with sugar. They use honey or molasses as a sweetener. They start their day somewhere between 4-6am. Their kids (the youngest was 3) recites Bible verses. And oh, all of the kids were home-schooled. I suppose none of these things matter, if it wasnt the fact that their entire family were exemplars of the Christian faith in love and in character. 6 year old Abigail told me one day about how good her God was. Moms and dads were understanding and caring. Our family, who lives in a house much bigger than theirs, are guilty recipients of many gifts from these families. Homemade breads, fruits, recipes, dumplings, shallot pancakes, baby’s clothes, household items….Joshua often receive little gifts from the kids–some hand-me-down toys wrapped in hand-drawn wrappers.

In one of the families, the mom used to be a nurse in a hospital, but is now a full-time mom who homeschools her kids. Gosh, how does she do it? Joshua is now nearly two. I am itching to return to work. I have an informal interview scheduled on Tuesday next week. But I am undecided. Looking at all that Joshua is already learning, I am inclined to believe that every minute that I spend at home with him is worth its while. Perhaps there are much more taking form within him that I do not realize. His not even three yet–the official formative years. What if I let someone else make a mark on his wet cement just because I itch for work.

I started to reflect on my motivation for work. It is partly for personal validation. It feels worthless to be a housewife. Worth less than one with a nice pay check anyway. Part of me long to be successful, beautiful and presentable. But hang on, as the Amish people put it, isnt that part of narcissism? In a way it is. If life is all about drawing more attention to God and not to ourselves, none of those things should matter. Looking at my Hamilton friends, they skin are well worn due to the hours spent exposed to sun while gardening, they dont have fancy clothes, and they dont have a career with a nice title (although being a mom is also a career). But I love hanging out with them because they are such wonderful people, and their children are so pure and beautiful. Actually, come to think of it, being beautiful and successful doesnt really bring me peace and contentment. It was never enough. On the other hand, recognizing that all these are fleeting worthless things brings me peace. Cultivating that which is eternal seems more worthy of my time and thoughts.

Another reason for work is–to maintain sanity. I will go bonkers if I am doing nothing except Joshua all day long. I love Joshua, but I also really enjoy my time being alone in front of the computer working on my meta-analysis/systematic review every afternoon on weekdays. Before I had this job I was basically in depression. I felt holed in, doing all this diapering, feeding, babbling to no end.

So I guess in order for me to function as a good mom, I should aim to look for work for about 1 day a week, preferably from home. Does such thing exist? Well, if it’s the Lords will, He will provide. If the Lord decide that I should now be ready to launch into absolutely full time mom, perhaps I am. What does Chen think? Chen thinks I should choose one between the three: have another baby, have a job, or a veggie garden. “You are too greedy”. Perhaps he is right. But surely one could have a teeny bit of work, a little veggie patch, and maybe another little bub when the first two are well underway. I love my life.

Joshua at 21 months

Joshua is an absolute joy to be with.

Joshua learns his manners
Joshua can say ‘thank you mummy, thank you daddy’ after saying grace before meals. He will sometimes say ‘thank you’ when he receives things, but not consistently. He will say ‘please’ or ‘sorry’ when prompted. Eg, when he hits me, he’ll have to stop doing that and say ‘sorry mummy’. Sometimes he seem very reluctant to say ‘sorry’. Does he already know when it means?

Joshua learns to be independent
Joshua can spend sometime reading on his own before getting out of bed in the morning. That gives me time to clean up and prepare breakfast before getting him.

Joshua learns to sing
Joshua can now sing (in parts) many children’s songs, as well as To God be the Glory, and Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow

Joshua learns to say grace
Joshua says part of the mealtime prayer for the family , “thank you Jesus for the food. Amen”

Joshua learns to make music
Joshua can now make sounds from the harmonica after trying for many months!! Hurray!!

Joshua learns to spend time with God
We have been trying very hard to factor in time for family worship, but everything seems so rush and chaotic in the mornings and evenings. In the morning daddy gotta get to work, and in the evening Joshua’s gotta eat all his food groups, poo, bathe, have his milk, story, a little conversation with mom in the dark, and then finally, onto his bed. So the best we can do so far is to have a simple worship with Joshua and myself in the morning, and Joshua and daddy do a boy’s worship (sing, watch Jonah or some other things on U-tube, pray) while mummy prepares dinner. I think we should at least aim to have some worship time together at home for the entire family on weekends. Hmmm….sometime to work on.

Joshua learns to kneel for pray
When my mother-in-law was visiting, I told Joshua while cleaning up breakfast items in the kitchen that its almost time to ‘kneel and pray’ for our morning worship. Usually he runs around and need to be restrained when we pray. This day I was most surprised when Joshua just plopped down on the floor in kneeling position when he heard my prompting and my MIL asked me nervously, ‘what is he doing?’. I smiled to myself….all those mornings of insisting on having devotion with a seemingly uncooperative toddler wasnt in vain. He is learning something, even when it doesnt seem like it most of the time. I hope, along with the outward appearance of worshiping, he will also learn submission, reverence, trust, love and all the important things in life.

Joshua has yet to learn…
…to be reverent before God, either at home or at church
…to come to mummy when called

Joshua at 19 months

Joshua just turned 19 months few days ago.

Joshua learns to move
What is evident to us now is that he is not a very physical person. When we take him to the playground, he would happily stand and observe the other kids rumbling and tumbling around. He stood and looked. And then one fine moment he discovered sand. He gently explored the sand beneath his feet, enjoying the sensation of sand running between his fingers, and then grin his biggest smile over his latest discovery—the texture of sand. We encouraged him to play with the rocking springy fish, the swing, the slide. He obliged a little, and went back to his quiet ventures.

Joshua learns to control his hands and fingers
He is not much better with his fine motor skills either. According to the books he should be able to stack a tower of 4 blocks. We have never been able to convince him to stack anything, let alone a tower of sorts. We bought him Duplo, nesting cups etc to encourage this activity. Didnt work. I was concerned. At his last health assessment I told the health nurse about my concern. She gave him some small wooden blocks and demonstrated to him how to stack. For the first time, he put one block on top of the tower, and then another…. “See, he can do it!”, said the nurse. Phew….I was so relieved. Maybe I need to get him smaller blocks to start with.

Joshua learns to “read”
On the other hand, Joshua is very keen on learning words. He can now name almost every card in the pack of phonic cards he got as a present from my brother-in-law, including zebra, igloo, otter, lion, sheep, coins, door, chick, hen, cow, moon etc. For some words he knows them in Chinese and English, eg mao/cat, er duo/ear. He can also ‘read’ (by saying the word aloud) several of his one-word-per-page books, eg Creation, Jonah. At one point he could act out the story of David (throwing stones and falling giant). Lately I found out that he also remember more complex sentences, eg on this quarter’s Sabbath School pamphlet on King Joash, he would say “growing growing” when we come to the page in which the first line is “growing, growing, little Joash was growing…..”.

Joshua learns to sing
Joshua loves singing. My favourite activity with him is to let him fill in the blanks with his favourite songs. I am amazed at how much he remembers!

SS: In the beginning
J: God
SS: created the
J: heh-urns (heavens)
SS: and the
J: errr (earth)
SS: Genesis
J: one one

SS: Into my
J: haaaartttt (heart)
(repeat 2x)
SS: Come into my
J: haaaartttt (heart)
SS: Lord Jesus, come in
J: today

Basically he can fit in the last word in each line, eg in who made the beautiful rainbow, he could say “rainbow”, “I know”, “him so”.
In ABC, he could say “me”, “Amen”, “true”, “-ly”.

Joshua understands the world
He can now say “bian bian” when he pees or wants to poo. “Du du er” when he is hungry. He would ask his daddy “hao chi ma?” (is it nice?) when his daddy eats. “Hao chi” (yummy) when he enjoys his food. But sometimes he would overuse these words so we would not be sure if he really means it. When it is used within context he probably means it. He also understands some of the usual activities mummy do. Eg doing laundry– “di-eh yi fu”, cooking–”MIAN!” (he loves noodles of all kinds).

Joshua and his friends
Joshua is very much a people person. He gets so excited when our friends come over. He loves being hugged by them. He remembers their names and mentions them often.

Joshua learns to love
His training on expressing love to mummy continues:P
SS: Joshua do you love mummy?
J: ai mama!
SS: Joshua can you say I love you?
J: I yuv you!

Oh I love you more than you know my little man. He is now asleep in Chen’s jumper. I ran out of sleeping bags–still drying out on laundry line. I just hope that he will be rooted deeply in the goodness of God and will live to learn His good and perfect will in life.

Winter–the season of Juk (porridge)

I love porridge. There’s nothing as comforting as a big steaming bowl of hearty juk for lunch. It is packed with goodness (it can be anyway). I feel good feeding Joshua with my juks.

Here are some I’ve been having. You can add a handful of white rice/leftover cooked rice to make it smoother, but the main goal is to have more wholegrains.

Black treasure:
Handful of black glutinous rice, brown rice, barley, oats, red lentils
…..to eat with dishes eg fried fish, fried pickled-radish omelette etc.

Simple:
Oats, brown rice, add goji berries at the end
..to go with dishes.

A traditional dish with extra veg:
Brown rice, white rice, chai-yu/anchovies, peanuts, celery, carrot.

Veg and grains:
Brown rice, white rice, pumpkin, celery, red lentils, onion
…have it with some dried fish floss for more protein.

I also add a handful of wholegrains and lentils into soups (eg brown rice or barley in pumpkin soup) and it makes it more hearty.

What have you been having to keep warm?

Joshua at 17 months

Joshua has been getting on my nerves A LOT lately.

He is wriggly all the time but especially when we are at cell group or church. Sometimes I feel like giving up church altogether as it is such a struggle with Joshua. Its a losing battle trying to keep him still for church and so far it has been an embarrassing and frustrating process, esp when all the other angelic kids just sing, sit, kneel for prayer, stare into thin air quietly, or fall asleep. Arrrgh!

At home Joshua requires 100% attention. If I lose sight of him for few seconds he would get into trouble, such as dipping he sleeves into some puddle of water in the bathroom, playing with wires, dismantling the printer, turning knobs on the gas stove, taking stuffs including glass jars out of the pantry (and they get smashed into pieces once they land of the tile floor), pressing buttons on the microwave oven or dishwasher…Basically, anything dangerous or forbidden seem to interest him the most. He is really stretching my patience (which I had been endowed with so little to start with!).

Interspersed among all these hair-tearing moments are some really heart warming moments. That’s when he does things like putting his face into my pyjamas that was laid on the bed and say “mummy”. He loves my PJs. He’ll drag them around the house whenever he get hold of them. I also like it when he wave his arms and sing “sunbeam sunbeam” (Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam) or “I know I know” (Who Made the Beautiful Rainbow). He giggles whenever I sing the christian version of the ABC song. He’ll say “ABC” when I start to sing, and “amen” after the verse “Jesus died for sin and men”. Tonight he learnt ‘little star” from Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and “teapot” from I’m a Little Teapot. He also lift his feet up for “fall” when the story about David and Goliath come to the point where the giant was killed and fell.

I love it when Joshua tries to say 3-syllable words:

Banana–bnmnmnmnmn (my favourite!)
Animals–a-mols
Crocodile–cwok-co-dy-al (this one with most success!)

Yesterday was the first time in a long while he was happy to play by himself for quite a while in his playpen. I was busy cooking but I wish I have taken notice on what he was doing. He was babbling all sorts to himself. I glanced at him a few times and noticed that he has got a cap on and a plastic mobile phone hung around his neck.

Sigh…can’t stay angry at him for long can I?

Joshua at 16 months

Joshua is now a joy to be with. After months and months of hardwork and patience, it is starting to be a rewarding thing, being a mom. His little personhood is developing. His personality is starting to take form. His verbal and cognitive abilities are improving in leaps and bounds everyday.

Joshua learns to trust
Little Joshua is now a social being. He has developed trust in people in general. Probably because of his past experience being hugged and loved by just anyone in church, he assume that people, in general, are good. Sometimes he would walk up to little kids and try to be friends with them. What he doesnt like though, is to be hugged and squeezed by all the little girls from church who treats him like a walking and talking animated doll.

I’ve read that learning how to trust is the first step of developing faith in God. This trust (in parents initially) will be a foundation from which they develop trusting and deep relationships with others. From there they will also learn to trust in a God they can’t see. While it is still important for Joshua to realise that not everyone is good, I am very pleased to see that he is able to develop this sense of trust and confidence in his little being.

Joshua learns to speak and understand speech
He can now say these words: water, shui, taiyang, sun, shu (tree), mama bao bao (mummy pls carry me), nene (milk), ping gan (biscuit), daddy, mummy, por por, yi yi, Pepper (our friend), yeh yeh (grandpa), xie xie (shoes), koo koo (pants), shui jiao (sleeping), xiu xi (resting), apple, ‘Men (for Amen, when we say grace for meals), church, Sarah, Abbey, gege (his friends in church), dah dah (hitting things), no, buyao (dont want), chi (eat), siow-er (shower), gai-gai (going out).

He seem to be able to understand complex speech. Yesterday he wanted to have a drink when we were out and about and I forgot to bring his drinking bottle. I explained to him that I will give him a drink when we get to the shop for a meal. He then stopped throwing tantrums and waited calmly for his drink to come. Mummy’s amazed.

Joshua learns to love
He also seems to have the ability to show love. One time I was upset and was crying while holding him. He opened his mouth and put his face into mine, as if trying to kiss me. It was a very wet kiss on my cheek. Maybe he recalled that I kiss him in his cheeks to calm him down when he is upset.

My favourite conversation with Joshua:–
Me: Joshua, do you love mummy (in chinese)?
Joshua: Ai (‘love’, in Chinese)
Although he doesn’t know what it means, it is still music in my ears.

Joshua loves running towards me and hugging my legs. It is nice and loving sometimes, but he can get in the way when I am trying to do chores like cooking or cleaning.

Joshua learns to obey instructions
He can understand simple commands such as:

(command—action)
Shui jiao—lie tummy down with face on its side, ear on the mattress
Tiao wu—dance by making little squats
Pray—hold hands together (only sometimes)
Pai pai shou—clapping hands
Bizi—points to nose
Yanjing—points to eyes
Yaya—points to teeth
Er duo—points to ears

Unfortunately he doesn’t respond to ‘no’. His curiosity overrides his willingness to obey.

Joshua learns to sing…
I sing to him the song ‘a sunbeam a sunbeam…”

He tries to ‘sing’ by yodelling a monotonous “sa-beeee, sa-beeee”.

Joshua has yet to learn…
…to be reverent in the house of God
…to be gentle
…to sit still

Joshua at 14 months

Joshua turned 14 months yesterday.

Its been 13 months since we first sleep trained him. Up till now he still cries when we put him down to sleep. He’s been put to sleep more or less the same way for 400 days x few times a day. I am now the toughest skeptic on all kinds of sleep training methods. It doesn’t work. Fullstop. Lately has been particularly difficult. He would wake up in the middle of my deepest sleep, say 3am, and refuse to go back to sleep till about 5am, then wake up again at 6am wanting his early morning feed.

Joshua can now understand most of the things we say to him. He can say ‘hua’ for flower, ‘mum mum’ for food (not for mummy), ‘daddy’ for daddy, ‘chuan wa-wa’ when wearing socks, ‘tuo wa-wa’ when taking off socks, ‘cookie’ when he sees cookie monster from Sesame Street, ‘che’ when he sees cars, ‘qiu’ for ball, ‘goo’ for dog (should be “gou”), ‘okay’ when he thinks things will be going ok eg when he is finally picked up after screaming for a while.

He likes to walk while holding on to both our hands. He has already worn out his first pair of shoes. Just got him another pair–dark blue with little monsters.

He can play by himself for about 30 mins in a day. Usually in the morning. At all other times he will scream (think: nasal forceful loud echoing ‘Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh’) in his playpen while I cook or clean. Sometimes I let him loose for a while, but his freedom will be cut short when I find out that he is flipping switches, playing with life wires, pulling off safety covers on power points, digging and tasting dirt/dead insects from the railing of the sliding door, playing with the buttons on microwave oven, printer and dishwasher, eating fluff from the carpet, playing with rubbish in the rubbish bin, squeezing out bum cream from the tube that he got from my diaper bag that I accidently left open, sucking on a small piece of magnet inside his mouth (he yanked it off the fridge and a small piece broke off).

Motherhood–its how you look at it

Joshua has been up a lot at night lately. In the last few nights I only got around 3-4 hours of sleep, and that is not quite enough to keep me toddling after him for the whole day.

He is still doing all sorts of cute stuff during the day. He finds it amusing to hold my hands and bang them together and they make a clapping sound. Sometimes he would babble in response to my question. When he sees something unexpected he would look stunned and makes a grunt (“Eh!!!”). He cuddles me and pat me on the back when I hold him.

So, that’s motherhood. Filled with polarizing moments of extreme happiness, pride, joy, contentment, satisfaction, exhaustion, frustration, feelings of failure, fear, anxiety, helplessness…it’s tiring being someone’s world. I don’t think I’d like to be God.